In a bizarre turn of events, several states have passed laws making it a criminal offense to not do your job. Yes, you read that right! Slacking off at work can now land you in the slammer.

“We’re thrilled to see employees being held accountable for their lack of productivity,” said Attorney General Shea Herber (R). “No more browsing cat videos on company time!”

However, not everyone is convinced. “This is a gross overreach of government power,” argued Senator Jade Smith (D). “What’s next? Forcing people to floss daily?”

In Silicon Valley, the laws are causing a different kind of headache. “I’m seeing my team waste valuable time writing code to measure their own value, instead of focusing on actual product features,” lamented Rachel Patel, a frazzled product manager at a top tech firm. “We’re getting bogged down in ‘value-tracking’ metrics and losing sight of innovation. It’s like we’re creating a bureaucracy within our own company.”

When asked about the new laws, a spokesperson for Google simply shrugged and said, “Well, at least our employees will finally use Google Docs for actual work documents.”

But state officials are now worried they might be the ones facing criminal charges. “If we don’t respond to every constituent’s email or solve every local issue promptly, are we considered criminals?” asked a nervous State Representative Tom Johnson. “We’re already understaffed and overworked – this law could turn us into the ultimate scapegoats.”

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the age of doing the bare minimum is over. So, get back to work and stop reading this article! (Or should we say, get back to writing code to justify your existence?)