In a bizarre display of schadenfreude, Baby Boomers are rejoicing over recent studies revealing the alarming side effects of energy drinks. The research, which links energy drinks to impotence, heart attacks, and metabolism failure, has been met with a resounding “I told you so” from the Boomer generation.

“Finally, those whippersnappers will listen to their elders!” exclaimed Agnes Jenkins, a 62-year-old retiree. “We’ve been warning them about the dangers of those nasty drinks for years. Now, maybe they’ll think twice before downing a whole can of that sweet, sweet nectar.”

The study, published in the Journal of Energy Drink-Induced Chaos, found that regular energy drink consumption leads to a host of health problems, including:

• Impotence (or “whimpy-ness” as one Boomer put it)
• Heart attacks (which Boomers claim are “just desserts” for years of neglecting cardiovascular health)
• Metabolism failure (resulting in “muffin tops” and “dad bods”)

Boomers are thrilled that the research will finally teach younger generations the value of a good ol’ fashioned cup of coffee or, better yet, a nice glass of prune juice.

“We’ve been saying it for years: ‘Get off my lawn!’ and ‘Stop drinking that swill!’” said Bob Smith, a 65-year-old veteran. “Now, maybe they’ll listen and start taking care of themselves like we did back in the day.”

As one Boomer quipped, “It’s about time those young’uns learned that you can’t just fuel your body with Red Bull and video games. That’s just not how you build character!”

The energy drink industry has yet to comment on the research, but insiders say they’re “shaking in their boots” – or at least, their sugar-fueled, caffeine-jittery boots.